Johnny's Jolly Day Outside His House
by BunnyGrrl
Summary: The FINAL chapter. Busting at the seems with guest 'stars'... my good golly gosh, you'll have to read!! (R/R puh-leeeze)
1. Contorto The Clown

Johnny's Jolly Day Outside His House  
  
  
  
By BUNNYGRRL!!! WHOO!!  
  
Obligatory Author's Note: This was a mock submission to my buddy Ent's fanfiction contest. I didn't submit it because I write columns for his website, and I felt it would be wrong to submit stuff. Anywho, JtHM and all other happy comic characters are owned by the lovely man Jhonen Vasquez and SLG.  
  
WARNING: this could very well destroy some brain cells. Don't read it, for the love of god, PLEASE.... (oh yeah, if you see any familiar quotes, know they're there for a reason. It's all part of the submission guidelines: http://www.angelfire.com/weird2/humanscum/contest.html)  
  
  
  
One happy, happy evening, Johnny decided to go out into the world, and experience all it's wonder. He came to this decision while yanking out a party clowns jugular vein, oddly enough.  
  
"I've been missing so much!" Nny gasped. "Like... icecream, the laughter of children, clouds, and-and-and... STUFF!!"  
  
Grabbing a rag, Johnny scrubbed away the blood and gore from his hands, and grabbed his coat off a box sitting in the corner. Putting on the coat, he sprang out of the little room deep in his basement, and ran up the dozens of stairs to the main room of the tiny house, leaving the clown to the rats. THE RAAAATS!! He flung open the door, and jumped out onto the stoop screaming, "FLY!!" He then ran down the sidewalk, laughing like a little school girl on spring break.  
  
Reverend MEAT slowly shook his head. "I hate it when he does this..."  
  
~*~  
  
As Johnny merrily skipped through the city, he came upon something peculiar. A petting zoo!  
  
"A PETTING ZOO!"  
  
Yes, a petting zoo. With a squeal of delight, Johnny vaulted over the little wooden fence, making all the animals and small children scatter. He rubbed his gloved hands together evilly, and scanned all the animals. Llama, chicken, duck, sheep... PIG!  
  
"PIGGY!!!"  
  
Johnny tackled the little porker, and began to pet it's fat little head. "Ohh... the piggy is soooo nice..." He closed his eyes blissfully and hugged the pig tight.  
  
"Hey!" a small child with enormous green eyes and blonde hair cried out, pointing at Johnny. "Gimme back my PIG!"  
  
"Opps, sorry. I didn't realize that that was your pig." Johnny pouted, and sat the little animal down. "ALAS!! POOR PIGGY!! SUCH SWEET SORROW IT IS TO BE LEAVING YOU!!" he wiped away a tear, and sprang back over the fence. "WHOOSH!"  
  
Making his way deeper into the bowels of the city, Johnny tried to think of things to do. As he was deep in though, he wasn't really watching where he was going. His eyes downcast, glaring at the sidewalk, he suddenly ran into a rather bright and cheerful cheerleader type thing, which screamed, "HELP ME! I AM A SLAVE TO POP MUSIC! GARRR!" and promptly exploded. Nny giggled to himself, and continued walking on. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant hot air balloon decended from the heavens, coming right for the city. And let me tell you, it was GIANT. I mean, REALLY REALLY BIG. Bigger than... big stuff. All around him, people were screaming, and Nny could think of only one ways to make them stop. He walked underneath the approaching shadow of the balloon, held up his hands, and quite magically.... the balloon exploded. AMA-AZING.  
  
A quiet hush fell over the people, all staring at Johnny. He got nervous, and started to walk away. THEN... a ear splitting cheer erupted from the crowd. Johnny cringed as he was picked up, and was carried through the downtown area on a wave of hands.  
  
"STOP! STOP!" He screamed, terrified. "I didn't expect you, of all people, to act so pathetic. It's like some kind of cheap old black and white movie were everyone is always so touchy feely."  
  
Immediatly, the crowd stopped and groaned. Happy time was over, and their lives were saved. Nny rolled his eyes, and kept walking on. This was a very strange day, indeed. "I feel so violated." he muttered to himself, and watched a parade of ocelots walk past him. "Interesting... what else can that do?" he tapped his chin. Having fun was so much harder than it seemed. He wasn't used to this. Maybe... maybe he could get something to eat. Yes. That made sense. People did that to have fun, didn't they?  
  
"Oh, but there are so many resturants to CHOOSE from." he sat on a bench and thought. "It's been so long since I last ate out. Let's see... There's 'Taco Hell', 'Pizza Rot', 'Muffin Doom'... Heh... muffin... oh! And there's always 'Eat Or Die'." He pouted. "I guess I'll just go to 'Muffin Doom'. They have good... muffins." he sprang to his feet, and jogged down the block until he came to the cutely decorated resturant. He took a seat at one of the outside tables, and waited for his waiter to see him. Eventually, he did, slammed a menu in front of Johnny, and dully said, "Welcome to Muffin Doom where our service is measured by your check. Please make your selection, sir."  
  
Johnny squinted an eye at him, peeved, but opened to menu anyways, deciding to disembowell him later. "Hmm... Ooooo! I like cheese nibbles!" he smiled happily. "That's what I'll have, then. Cheese nibbles and a large cheery fiz-wiz."  
  
"Right away, sir." The waiter said, and dragged himself into the resturant.  
  
Sighing, Nny watched all the people walk by. But... someone was also watching him. There was a girl, not your average girl, a STRANGE girl, watching Nny from the table next to him with binoculars. She had long brown hair, dark blue eyes, and was wearing a pair of baggy black pants with a tiger print shirt. She glared at Nny, gouging his very soul with her eyes. Feeling the icy glare, Nny slowly turned his head to look at her. "Yes?"  
  
"I like your head." the girl grinned.  
  
"Uh... thanks?"  
  
"I've never seen you around here before."  
  
"I'm, uh, pretty reclusive. Don't like people much." Johnny said bluntly.  
  
"Ah... me neither." the girl turned around, and continued to slurp her chocolate shake.  
  
Nny shook his head. PEOPLE. Now he knew why it was wise NEVER to leave ones house. After a few moments, the waiter returned with Nny's food and drink. "Thank you for your order, sir, can I get you anything else?"  
  
Johnny looked down at his cheese nibbles. They were burnt, and reeked of spoiled milk. Not at all inviting. "Mmmm... looks delicious, but I am on a diet. I only eat food that is edible." he said, and looked at the waiter coyly.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"You have some macarroni on your shirt."  
  
Off handedly, the waiter swatted the offending noodle away. "What's wrong with your food, sir?"  
  
"Don't make me use this piece of food to maim you!" Johnny screeched, those old homicidal tendencies kicking in again. "This is disgusting! I SWEAR! I leave my house ONCE, and some total stranger tries to POISON me!!" Johnny huffed, and plopped back into his chair. "It's just not nice."  
  
All around him, people were staring. Including the girl with the shake, but she also had a crazy grin plastered on her face. "WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?!?" Nny bellowed. "He's probably poisoned ALL of you! WE MUST RIOT!!" Johnny jabbed a fist in the air.  
  
"HELL YEAH!!" she girl said equally as loud, and sprang up next to Nny. "The scary dude has a point! This people haven't given us quality service for MONTHS! And that jerk is the main problem! NASTY LITTLE WAITER BOY!!" the girl wagged a finger at the waiter. "EEEEVIL!!"  
  
The crowd murmured in agreement, as the waiter was sweating bullets. "Don't make me get my manager!"  
  
Looking at the waiter in annoyance, Nny turned to the girl and said, "QUICKLY! Find the bacon! It is so vital to our plans!" she nodded sternly, and ran into the kitchen of the resturant, screams and insane laughter following her.  
  
The manger finally came out to see what all the screaming was about. "What's going on here?!"  
  
"Please help me, sir! The customers... THEY'RE RIOTING!!" he pointed at Nny who was leading the rest of the resturant in a chant- 'we want service! we want justice!'  
  
The manger rose an eyebrow, "Never in a million years would I help you, and if a million years ended, I STILL wouldn't help you!" he grinned and joined in on the chant.  
  
Falling to his knees, the waiter said, "I wish I was never born! Wait, I take that back, I wish I was never born here." Right as those words came out of his mouth, and ear splitting screech filled the air. "WHAT! NO FOOD! YOU ATE ALL THE FOOD!" There was a loud CRASH! and the girl with wild blue eyes ran out of the resturant and up to Johnny. "There's no more bacon! NO FOOD!"  
  
Looking grave, Nny said, "Then our plans are ruined. We must run to the hills and never return." the girl gave him an odd look. "Uh... I think I'll just be going home." she smiled briefly, then took off running down the streets. Shaking a fist after her, Nny bellowed, "RUNNING AWAY ARE YOU! Well, don't worry! I will be waiting for you when you get back, and when you do get back, I will be waiting! Wait, that was very repetitive..." he shrugged, and turned back to the crowd. "You can all go now, I guess."  
  
"Can we sing a little song now?" one of the rioters pipped up, the others muttering their agreement.  
  
"Uh... no." Nny said, waved, and made his way slowly down the busy streets of the city.  
  
~*~  
  
"I'm HO-OME!" Nny cried into house 777, flinging his coat onto the couch. "Ugh... I'm never leaving my safe little house EVERY AGAIN." he growled, and flopped onto the couch, landing on something boney.  
  
"OW!"  
  
"Oh... i'm sorry, couch, did I hurt you?" he looked down at the cushion, only to see the girl that had helped him at 'Muffin Doom'. "OH NO! NOT... YOU!!!"  
  
The girl smiled and hugged Nny's legs. "WE'RE GONNA BE BEST FRIENDS!!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"  
  
THE END  
  
End Notes: Personally... The only kind of JtHM fanfics I can stand are parody and humor. That's why this is... Humorous and a parody. . Sorry, kids. 


	2. Hermit Crabs and Guitar Solos

A/N BLARRRGH. You requested it, so here it is. A continuation to a story I thought would piss people off. Frankly, I'm upset it didn't't. Eh. Just so you know, I feel really bad doing this to such a unique character. 'Nny is't supposed to be like this, you know. But... It's kinda fun to make him do wacky stuff. *GRIN* Oh, kudos to the wonderful band GREENDAY for their special little part in this story. And more kudos to that demon cartoon 'Veggie Tales' for providing me with some very evil thoughts. Vegetables teaching good christian morals is NOT right. But I do like the hamburger song.  
  
!!!JtHM belongs to that fuzzy little monkey Jhonen Vasquez and the homely chimps at Slave Labor Graphics!!!  
  
Chapter 2: Hermit Crabs and Guitar Solos  
  
"HEY! DUDE! I THOUGHT WE COULD BE FRIENDS!! AAAAAGH!!"  
  
"This is what you get for breaking into my house, you freak!"  
  
"NOOOOOO!!"  
  
CLICK!  
  
La la la, la la la-la la la la la... I can't get you out of my head, boy, you're lovin' is all I think about...  
  
"AAARRGHHHH!!"  
  
Johnny grinned to himself and exited the tiny torture room, closing the door securely behind him. Chuckling, he removed the earplugs. That crazy girl from the cafe was going to pay dearly for breaking and entering, because it's just not nice, and you shouldn't barge in on crazy people like that!  
  
"Wonder how she knew where I lived anyway..." He shrugged, and tromped up the many stairs to the main room of the house. Sitting on top of the television, in between the two 'bunny ears', was Reverend Meat. He had that goofy plastic grin on his face, as usual. "Take care of that... Thing?"  
  
Vaulting onto the couch, Nny raised an eyebrow as if to say, 'of course.' He sighed, and pulled the remote control out from between two cushions. "Wonder what's on the old idiot box." Rerun, infomercial, rerun, rerun, Barbra Walters... MEATY TALES!! "WHOO! Look, Meat! 'Meaty Tales' is on!"  
  
"Oh. I can just feel the joy." Meat said dully.  
  
Nny crossed his legs indian style on the couch, and- grinning wildly- bobbed his head to the catchy little theme song: "If you like to talk to talk to pig guts, if a goat head makes you smile, if you like to waltz with cold cuts, up and down the butcher's aisle... Have we got a show for you!" Nny sprang out of his seat and started bouncing around the living room, singing along at the top of his lungs. "Meaty Tales, Meaty Tales, Meaty Tales, Meaty Tales, Meaty Tales, Meaty Tales, Meaty Tales, Meaty Tales! Beef-y, pork and beans, gotta be- MEATY TALES! Llama snot, piggy feet, peachy keen- MEATY TALES! Sausage links, parts of cows, half an hour- MEATY TALES! There's never-ever-ever-ever-ever been a show like Meaty Tales! There's never-ever-ever-ever-ever been a show like Meaty Tales!" Nny lowered his voice to sound like the movie phone guy. "It's time for Meaty Tales!" He squealed, and plopped onto the floor only three inches away from the television screen, watching intently.  
  
Rev. Meat groaned. "Thank God 'Romper Stomper' got cancelled..."  
  
Snapping his head up to look at Meat, Nny looked absolutely heart broken. "They cancelled Romper Stomper?!"  
  
"Yeah. And Santa Clause is dead."  
  
"OH GOD!"  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
"We have to go to his funeral, Meat." Nny whimpered quietly, and turned off the television right as Bloody Liver was being thrown into the dehydrator. He then bowed his head. "At least 'Captain Kangaroo' is still on."  
  
"Actually..."  
  
From three blocks away, people could hear a grown man screaming; "NOOOOO!! NOT CAPTAIN KANGAROOOOOOOOOO!!!" An old woman outside watering her flowers looked over to her husband and solemnly shook her head. "Dear, another one found out..."  
  
"This nation will never be the same without Captain Kangaroo." The old man said, and broke down sobbing in a bed of posies.  
  
~*~  
  
Three days and one big depression later, Nny was prepared to get on being his "normal" self again, though it would be hard without Captain Kangaroo AND Romper Stomper. At least Meaty Tales was still around. Reverend Meat told Johnny that, even though they were gone, Captain Kangaroo would always be there, in some sort of spooky mystical way. He then told him to suck it up and stop being a pussy. This didn't please Nny very much, so he stuffed the plastic figurine in the freezer between the peas and the fudge bars.  
  
Thus far, Johnny's day had been pretty bland. He'd disemboweled a mime, dropped off a few skateboard punks in his basement for future 'meetings', and had only been attacked by one squirrel. Then he saw...  
  
... Her.  
  
Yes, Devi had finally come out of her cave. Though she looked at least three shades paler than usual- humanity tends to make one rather queasy. She was just ambling around the downtown area, window shopping, maybe just taking a walk. It was just stupid irony that Nny had just HAPPENED to be at the exact same place, at the exact same time.  
  
HEY- stupid irony works with OTHER peoples' fan fiction; WHY NOT MINE?! EH?! Pff.  
  
Working up his courage, Nny quietly walked up behind Devi. It wasn't very crowded, so he didn't have to dodge any weird people. As he was about to tap her on the shoulder, he spotted what Devi was looking at; an acoustic guitar. He paused, thought, and then came up with the perfect idea. Right when Devi turned her head to talk to the vendor of the small outdoor stand, Nny snatched up the guitar, leapt in front of Devi, and began strumming the guitar melodically.  
  
"BWAH!" Devi yelped.  
  
THEN... He started singing.  
  
"I was alone. I was all by myself. No one was looking... I was thinking of you. Oh yeah, did I mention... I was all by myself. All by myself. All by myself. All by myself. I went to your house, but no one was there. I went in your room, I was all by myself. You and me had... Such wonderful times. when i'm all by myself. All by myself." He stopped, lowered the guitar, and grinned up at Devi. "Hi."  
  
"GET AWAY FROM ME!!"  
  
FSSST!!  
  
"AAAAAHH!"  
  
While staring at the cords of the guitar, seeing that he hadn't played in some time, Nny couldn't exactly look at Devi, play, and sing all at once. So he didn't exactly see her pull the can of mace out of her backpack. As Johnny lay sprawled on the concrete, Devi ran back to her car, and sped off. A small crowd had gathered around the stand, all murmuring and wondering if Nny was okay, and what he had done to his 'girlfriend'.  
  
One loud-mouth guy with bleach blonde hair said, "Yo! That bitch right there just got pussy whipped by that chica with the purple dreads, yo!"  
  
Some of the crowd laughed as others just groaned and walked away. They would be spared from Nny's wrath...  
  
... The other's wouldn't.  
  
~*~  
  
Eyes swollen, clothing covered in gore, Nny dragged himself home. Where had he gone wrong?! Girls were supposed to LIKE sappy songs like that! He trudged up the stoop of 777, grabbed the doorknob, and paused. "Well... I did kinda try and kill her... She SHOULDN'T trust me. I barely trust myself." He sighed, and yanked the door open. He looked around the living room. "Maybe it's time to change. Maybe I should stop all this insanity. Maybe..."  
  
"Hee hee hee... Meaty Tales rock."  
  
Nny slowly looked over to the couch, sitting there, TV blaring, was the SAME girl from the cafe.  
  
"AND MAYBE POODLES WILL FLY OUT OF MY BUTT!!!" Johnny bellowed. The girl turned around and made a high pitched 'EEEE' noise, then hauled ass into the basement.  
  
"I'M GOING TO KIIIIIIILL YOU!!!" Nny roared, and took off after her.  
  
THE END  
  
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QUESTION MARK  
  
-this monstrosity was brought to you by me, BunnyGrrl. The most disturbing thing I ever read in a fanfic was, 'Hobbes... You're hard!' Urgh.... People scare me.- 


	3. Grate My Self Esteem, Please

A/N I've come to a conclusion... I just forget what that conclusion is. . *ahem* JtHM be not mine- it belongs to them gangstas up at da Slave Labor Graphics, and da unholy G-Dog Jhonen Vasquez, YO. Don't sue me wit da government man, HOME SLICE. SLG is muh homies, we be down wit da G-Dog, and the G-Dog says, "YO!"  
  
...Oh lord...  
  
Chapter 3 - Grate My Self Esteem, Please  
  
It had been nearly a week since Nny had last left his house, and with good reason; he was in the process of drawing THE MOST BRILLIANT COMIC STRIP KNOW TO MAN KIND... Happy Noodle Boy. Seeing that the price of ice suckies had gone up, and Nny wasn't exactly getting PAID to kill people, he decided to try and sell Happy Noodle Boy to the nearest graphic novel publisher- Road Kill Graphics. He'd thought about becoming a hit man, but couldn't bring himself to actually volunteer to kill a person for somebody else. It just didn't seem right, for some reason.  
  
"Hopefully this comic will impress SOMEBODY... Or maybe give them malignant tumors." Johnny said, and shrugged while adding the finishing touches to the last panel of his comic. "Either way, I'll be quite pleased with myself." With a quick dab of ink, Johnny was complete. He leaned back from his drawing desk, and stared critically at the comic for a moment or two. He then smiled and said, "God! I am SUCH a genius!!"  
  
"I'd beg to differ." A cold voice hissed. Nny grimaced and looked at the television where Reverend Meat was propped. "If you call a stick figure ingenious," Meat continued, "then you're a little more stupid than I previously thought."  
  
Nny stood, stretched a bit, and sauntered over to the plastic figurine. He stared at in in silence, then stuck out his tongue and screamed, "NEENER NEENER NEEEENER!! I HAVE LEGS AND CAN WALK AROUND, BUT YOU'RE AN INANIMATE OBJECT WITH NO CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM, SO YOU CAAAAN'T!!"  
  
"Shut up!" Meat whined with a girly tone. "I-I can't help it!"  
  
Giggling to himself, Nny picked up his stack of comics and stuffed them into a small portfolio with some of his other, pre-insane-homicidal-maniac, works. "I think I'll just WALK myself out the door, then WALK to my car, then DRIVE to my set destination WITH MY LEGS FILLED WITH NERVES."  
  
"YOU'LL GET YOURS, JOHNNY C.!" Meat raged, quivering with negative energy. "ONE DAY YOU MAY JUST WAKE UP, AND NOT HAVE ANY LEGS!!"  
  
"Impossible! I NEVER SLEEP." Johnny laughed triumphantly, and walked with long strides- all the while grinning evilly at Rev. Meat- out the door. He then hopped into his little gray car, and sped off down the street, veering into a neighbor's yard and knocking over their lawn flamingo collection. Inside the house, Meat seethed and plotted slipping cyanide into Johnny's next can of spaghettio's.  
  
-one long drive later...-  
  
Johnny looked up at the gigantic building- it seemed nearly as tall as the empire state building. He swallowed hard, and parked near the front to the building, just in case a quick escape was necessary. Grabbing his backpack stuffed with comics, knives, and explosives (one can never be too prepared when comic books are involved!), Nny- uncharacteristically timid for once- walked into the building, prepared for any and all worse case scenarios.  
  
The main office was buzzing with people; some sitting in chairs looking nervous, others pacing. Some others were bustling about, arms loaded with what looked like comic books, making stops at each office. Johnny carefully walked up to the front desk and waited for the busy secretary to notice him. After a minute or so, he cleared his throat loudly- obviously wanting some attention. The woman looked up from her computer and smiled, "Sorry! Today's been SO crazy... Can I help you?"  
  
"Yes, I was scheduled to have an interview with Mr. Waterson." Johnny said, trying to ignore the guy who was crumpled on the floor screaming; "WHYYYYY?!!"  
  
"Oh yes! Mr. Waterson is very anxious to meet you, Mr...." She looked at a small clipboard on the desk. "Mr. C! He really enjoyed your comic- couldn't stop talking about it!"  
  
"Well that's certainly a good sign." A relieved Johnny said.  
  
"Damn straight. Just have a seat, and I'll call you when Mr. Waterson is ready to speak with you." The secretary smiled, and motioned to the row of seats near the wall. Johnny forced a smile, and took a seat on the nearest chair, right in front of the screaming guy, who was now being dragged out of the building by two of the Hell's Angels. "Damn..." Nny muttered. "I didn't know those guys were still out there..."  
  
"Oh, yeah. They're there. Always there..." A rather nervous looking guy next to Johnny said. "They've been in charge of security in the comics biz since the 70's." The guy said matter-of-factly and grinned sardonically at Nny. "I'm Tatsuya Ishida. Is this your first interview, too?"  
  
"Unfortunately, yes." Nny sighed. "I'm Johnny. You can call me 'Nny' if you like."  
  
"Ah, bitchin' nick name. Kids used to call me 'Twat' in elementary school." Tatsuya said, eyes slightly glazed over.  
  
There was a long pause. Johnny then furrowed his brow and said, "What the FUCK?"  
  
"Don't ask me. They were the perverts- NOT me."  
  
"Mr. C, Mr. Watson is ready to see you." The secretary called over her computer screen, and jabbed a thumb at the large double doors behind her desk. Nny quickly made tracks for the door, happy to get away from... 'Twat'.  
  
"Good luck, Nny!" Tatsuya cried after him, waving. "And may The Twat be with youuuu!"  
  
Making a disgusted sound, Nny opened one of the large wooden doors, and stepped into a brightly lit office decorated with various posters from comics. The room was large, and made Johnny feel very small and insignificant.  
  
"Don't just stand there at the door, boy, sit down!" A gruff voice said from behind a desk in an overstuffed, leather computer chair facing a window. There was a rather pleasant view of the city, but Nny didn't remember ever going up any stairs... He stared warily at the window, and had a seat in the smaller leather chair in front of the mahogany desk. "Just look at it." The man in the chair said, and spread his arms wide as if to embrace the fake scenery. "Isn't it beautiful?"  
  
"It seems almost unreal." Nny said off handedly.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Oh, nothing. Uhm, you wanted to see my work? I was rather surprised I even got an interview here." Johnny rifled through his portfolio, and a small knife fell onto the floor. He gritted his teeth, and kicked the knife under his chair. "Uh, I brought some of my more current comics for you to take a look at, if you'd like."  
  
The chair spun around, and Johnny had to bite down on his tongue to keep from laughing. Mr. Waterston was a midget, over weight, and had an eerie receding hair-line that looked like an ass. He was wearing khaki shorts with a Hawaiian shirt, and there were mickey mouse ears on his head (a/n somebody said it would be impossible to get a disney reference into jthm... HAH!). Mr. Waterston made a demented smile, and said, "Of COURSE! I'd LOVE to see some more of that monkey! That monkey is HI-LARIOUS." He held out his hand to take the comics, but Johnny looked at him, confused.  
  
"But my comic isn't about a monkey."  
  
"It's not??"  
  
"No. It's about a stick-figure and his-"  
  
"STICK FIGURE?!" The midget boomed, and stood up in his giant leather chair. "NOBODY WANTS TO READ A COMIC ABOUT A STICK FIGURE!! YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE COMIC INDUSTRY!! NOW GET OUT OF HERE, BECAUSE YOU'RE PRESENCE SICKENS ME!!"  
  
"HEY!" Johnny growled. "You don't know that! MIDGETS ARE BIASED AGAINST STICK FIGURES!" He then grabbed his face in mock terror. "Ohhh! HELPPP! I'M BEING REPRESSED!! THE LITTLE GOBLIN MAN WANTS ME TO CHANGE MY ART!"  
  
Mr. Waterston gasped and literally lunged at Johnny, who reacted as any normal human would- he screamed bloody murder. The two tumbled backwards onto the grey carpet, as the people out in the waiting area stared at the door, wondering what the hell was going on in there. When Nny finally pried the insane midget off his torso, he scrambled to his feet and looked around for his backpack...  
  
"FUCK!" He screamed. "Perfect. JUST perfect. I find the king of all assholes, AND I LEAVE MY BACKPACK WITH SOME GUY NAMED TWAT." He growled. "Why does God hate me so?!"  
  
"REEEEE!"  
  
"Whu- AGH!!"  
  
Yet again, the mighty homicidal maniac was sacked by the tiny man in khakis. Mr. Waterston rammed him into a jukebox that was sitting near the double doors, and "Got To Give It Up (pt.1!)" By Marvin Gaye started playing. Nny was winded, but managed to push the little man away, and dive for the knife that had been under his chair. He snatched it up, rolled under the desk, and jumped up on the other side of it, holding the knife in a defensive stance.  
  
"Oh, nice moves, Wesley Snipes. What are you gonna do? Kill me?" The little man started laughing, his chubby face turning red.  
  
"That's EXACTLY what I intend to do." Johnny announced, sprang over the desk, and lunged for the wee comic book dictator again, blood boiling, blade gleaming. He kicked Waterston onto his back, and put one booted foot over his throat. "THIS'LL TEACH YA! AND 'BLADE' WAS A DAMN GOOD MOVIE!! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE SEQUEL!!"  
  
"The... Security... Come!" Mr. Waterston managed to choke out.  
  
"I doubt that." Johnny said evenly, and threw the knife which was aimed for the man's forehead, dead center.  
  
-...so as to spare the audience from the gruesome details... And to keep my ratings down...-  
  
Nny stepped out of the office, shirt splattered in blood, portfolio under one arm, blood soaked Hawaiian shirt in the other. As he made his way calmly for the exit, he dropped the bloody package into Tatsuya's lap. "Hope you're interview goes well, Twat."  
  
As he descended the cement stair outside Road Kill Publishing, an ear splitting scream echoed throughout the city, and Nny grinned to himself as he drove back to the safety of his house.  
  
~*~  
  
Once home, Marvin Gaye ringing in his ears, Nny sighed at the sight of Rev. Meat sobbing on top of the T.V., and made his way into the basement. He had some venting to do on a certain victim that just WOULDN'T die. Down, down into the bowels of the basement, to the bottom level, last door, all the way in the back of the darkest corridor. The same girl; the one who'd sneaked into his house, watched his T.V., and was just annoying. She was chained up against the wall, between two skeletons. When Nny flicked on the light, she looked up at him and smiled. "Hi, John-Boy!"  
  
"Hello... Girl From Cafe." Nny said solemnly, rummaging through a box of rusty blades.  
  
"Aww... What's the matter? You sound depressed. I know what'll make you feel better! You know when you removed part of my brain last time??"  
  
"Yeah..?"  
  
"I got maggots, and the entire left side of my body has gone numb!"  
  
"Really?" Johnny said with a small smile.  
  
"Yup. I'm in a lot of pain, right now." The girl said, nodding her head. A few maggots dropped to the floor, and her left arm dangled lifelessly.  
  
"Well, that certainly makes me feel better. Thanks."  
  
"Anytime, man."  
  
Nny raised an eyebrow at the girl. "Hey, you know I have to kill you, right?" The girl nodded again. "Okay, let's get some gusto this time. Last time you sounded like you were riding a roller coaster instead of having pieces of your brain removed."  
  
"Ah. So you want obscene agony instead of stupid fear, correct?"  
  
"There ya go."  
  
"OKAY!! Here I go." She took a deep breath as Johnny revved the chainsaw, demented smile spread across his face. "ARRRRRGHHHH!!!!"  
  
THE END OF CAFE GIRL  
  
A/N - This chapter is terrible... I hate it. I HATE THIS ENTIRE STORY. WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?!?! HUH?!?!? URGHH!! Oh, yeah, Cafe Girl has FINALLY met her gruesome demise, thank god. And if you can find any of the hidden references in this chapter, I'll give you a special guest appearance in the next chapter that will appear... Sometime in the near future. Even if you don't figure out who/what I was quoting and/or using as a guest star, I'll probably throw you in just for shits and giggles. A WARNING: you probably won't be ALIVE at the end of the chapter, unless I REALLY like you. Now... GETS TO REVIEWING, PEOPLE!! FEED MY ADDICTION!!  
  
!!-Oh yeah. I apologize to all the midgets, and people who can't walk. Sorry. I'm working on some aggression from an interview I recently bombed.- !! 


	4. The Camera Doesn't Like Your Face... Sor...

Chapter 4: The Camera Doesn't Like Your Face... Sorry.  
  
A/N The last chapter of a story that makes me want to punch myself in the gut. I think the word "contest" scared some people away... I regret nothing. This chapter includes some spiffy little people including my friends Amy, Alex and Bree. Not to mention the illustrious Ent. This is in the laziest form of writing I could think of (at least part of it): SCRIPT FORM. *screams come from the bowels of fanfiction.net* Yesss... TURN BACK, NOW!! IT'LL ONLY GET WORSE!!  
  
--  
  
"... And this is where FanFics are made!"  
  
"Wow!"  
  
"If you'll look to your left, you can see one rather anal and perturbed fanfiction author, debating her next move. Let's take a moment to watch the creative process in action!"  
  
The small group of tourist sat in a row along the far wall of the dirty, dank studio. Their guide stood next to them, plastic grin plastered on her face. A young girl with wild brown hair, and wolf like blue eyes glared at them from the safety of her director's chair, which had the word 'director' scribbled out, and 'bitch' written underneath with white out. As the small group watched her intently, another girl about the same age- but blonde, and considerably shorter with hazel eyes- walked up to the director, clipboard in one hand.  
  
"Uh, Cristin?"  
  
"Not now, Amy..."  
  
"But, we should REALLY start the scene now..."  
  
Cristin gritted her teeth, and clenched her fist. "I can't DO it with all these..." She shot an evil look at the tourists. "... Things around."  
  
"They're possible reviewers, you know." Amy said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
Cristin's eyes went wide, her face contorted to confusion. "But..."  
  
"Come on, it's the last chapter. You can do it!"  
  
"I feel like I'm going to vomit everytime I read what I've written." Cristin whined, grabbing a handfull of hair, and yanking it straight up. "I feel like some sort of cheap whore! They read my shit once, have a little chuckle, and just leave me here... Barren... Alone... Empty..." She clutched her chest dramatically. "For the love of God, I'm doing a self- insertion fanfic! I have betrayed myself! My morals! My-"  
  
"Aw, suck it up, you melodramatic goth." A tall, rather slender girl Cristin's height and age walked by and whacked her upside the head. "Your 'actors' are here..." She smiled coyly, and situated herself behind a large camera (which she'd stollen from the local news station, from a lack of funds), pulling her long black hair into a pony tail.  
  
With the slam of a stage door, and a click of high heels, 'Johnny' and 'Devi' stormed into the studio, both with a small expresso, a stern expression, and egos big enough to collapse the galaxy. With a curt nod to the director, they both headed to their dressing rooms. Another girl- tall, slender, mushroom-cap hair and of african american decent (*i've been told to say 'black' like that. Thanks for the politically correct information, Cheese-Head.)- rushed up to Alex and whispered something into her ear. Alex groaned, and stomped up to 'Johnny's' door, then procedded to beat on it.  
  
"MICHEAL!! Get out here, you weasel!"  
  
Micheal, already in his costum, peered out of his dressing room. "What do YOU want?"  
  
"Bree here just told me you've been stealing eyeliner and rouge from the make-up counter. What the hell is up with that?!"  
  
"I had a Rocky Horror screening to go to, and-"  
  
"YOU FUCKING TRAITOR!" Bree screamed, waving a handful of cottonballs in the air.  
  
Micheal furrowed his brow. "Hey, I don't exactly make a lot of money in this independent film business, you know. That fucking genius over there-" he jabbed a stick of silver eyeliner at Cristin who was beating her head with Amy's clipboard- "is paying me with OYSTERS."  
  
"It's the chicken of the sea, you ingrate!" Cristin cried, "Now, PLEASE, let's get this over with." She turned to Amy who was standing to her left. "I need a drink. Beer, liqour- ANYTHING." Amy nodded and walked off. A swish of a trench coat and the slamming of a stage door (accompanied by an agrivated scream from Alex, who was shooving 'Nny' onto stage) announced the presence of everyones' favorite fanfiction producer type person: that man of mystery... ENT!  
  
"Get those chickens over to sound stage 7 PRONTO." Ent growled into his cell phone. "We NEED the chickens, they make things chickeny." He paused and gave a curt nod to Cristin who was doubled over on the ground, quietly sobbing. "NO. I don't WANT hens. I WANT ME SOME CHICKENS, DAMN YOU!!" He bellowed in rage, threw the cell phone to the ground, and stomped on it until all that was left were little dust particles. He stopped, wiped the sweat from his brow, and looked down at Cristin. "So, how are things? Production going okay?"  
  
Whincing, Cristin (better known as BunnyGrrl) painfully stood and plopped back into her director's seat. "Oh, just peachy. We caught Micheal stealing from the make-up department AGAIN, Stephanies' pregnant and doesn't fit into her Devi wardrobe anymore, and that 30 year old midget Haley Joel Osment is in his dressing room smoking with that guy..." She squeezed an eye shut in thought. "Oh, yeah, his boyfriend Phillipe. As for me? Well... I think I'm going insane. How are things for you, man?"  
  
Zoned out, not paying attention, Ent stared up at the ceiling. He hadn't heard a word. Amy walked up behind him, gave him a funny look, and handed Cristin a can of coke. "It's all we had in the cooler. The Corona is all gone, oddly enough." She shot an evil look at Bree who was running around making airplane noises. "I never suspected HER of being a booze hound."  
  
Cracking open the can of caffeine, Cristin sighed and massaged her temples again. "We should just get this over with."  
  
"Yeah." Amy said, nodding with a pitying look on her face.  
  
"Get the 'kid'." Cristin said to Amy, who looked petrified, and slowly walked up to 'Squee's' dressing room, knocking softly. "Mr. Osment? We're ready for you. Don't forget Shmee. Thank you." As she sprinted away, the door opened- a small cloud of potent smoke followed the small boy out, as he coughed into the ragged teddy bear, and took his place on stage next to a spiteful 'Nny'.  
  
"Mm... I smell the sweet, sweet chiva." Alex commented, taking her seat behind the camera once more.  
  
"There will be no talk of the evil weed on THIS soundstage, thank you!" Bree stated, slightly garbled, as she powdered Hailey's face.  
  
"GET YOUR ASS OUT HER, STEPHANIE!!" Cristin bellowed, knocking Ent out of his trance.  
  
Stephanie walked out of her dressing room, purple floods stretched across her swelling belly. Amy looked at Cristin, as if you say 'maybe we should get a new Devi' but decided to keep her mouth closed. Assistant directors can only do so much. All the actors were now on stage, lights were shone from all angles, and Alex gave Cristin the thumbs up as Bree skipped off stage, tripping over a cord. She giggled madly, and "swam" across the floor, and under the makeup table, where loud clucking was heard. Ent gasped sharply, and dove under the table, screaming; "NOOO!! NOT MY CHICKENS!!"  
  
Shooting a quick, annoyed, glance at the table, Cristin stood and stalked over to stand beside Alex. "Okay guys, let's take this from the top of scene five." Amy handed her a large script. "Devi, you're babysitting Todd, and Nny decides to stop in and everything goes to hell after that. Got it?" The cast slowly nodded, as Micheal stood outside the window. "Good. You're not as incompetent as you look. ACTION."  
  
SCENE 5 - Bedtime Stories and (unledgible: coffee stain)  
  
Devi: (leads Todd into his room and tucks him into the bed, laying Shmee next to him) Get some sleep, okay? I don't know how this whole bedtime thing goes, so... Good night, Todd.  
  
Todd: Goodnight, Devi. This has been the best day of my entire life.  
  
Devi: (pauses at the door) Same here. (turns off the light, and closes the door, leaving it open a crack)  
  
Shmee: (voice over by Charlie Adler) I still don't trust her, Todd. There's something funny about her.  
  
Todd: Don't be silly, Shmee. (looks out window at the night sky) She makes me feel safe. I like her.  
  
Shmee: That's what you said about that scary neighbor- AGH!!  
  
Todd: SQUEE!  
  
(Johnny swings one leg over the window sill, and vaults into the room, stumbling over a small robot and falling flat on his face)  
  
Johnny: Ow...  
  
Todd: (petrified) A-Are you okay??  
  
Johnny: (stands and kicks the robot away) Never better. Just thought I'd drop in and see how you were doing, Squee. I noticed your parents weren't home and thought I would be uncharacteristically thoughtful and kind, and give a damn about wether you were living or not.  
  
Todd: ... Thanks?  
  
Johnny: Aw, don't mention it. So, you're all alone again?  
  
Todd: (hugging shmee) No, I have a babysitter this time. She's really nice.  
  
Shmee: Yeah, nice enough for him to KILL.  
  
(johnny ignores the voice he heard from the bear, and gives Todd a twisted smile)  
  
Johnny: (brow suddenly furrows) She IS being good to you, right? 'Cause if she's not, I can take care of-  
  
Devi: (off camera) Todd?? Are you all right? Who are you talking to?? (hall light comes on, and footsteps are heard quickly trudging upstairs)  
  
Johnny: Nobody's here! Just us chickens! (slaps hand over mouth and squeezes eyes shut, muttering a curse)  
  
Devi: Todd! (door flies open, and Devi flips on the light.) You sure you- (notices Johnny who's standing awkwardly next to the open window, hand over mouth, snocked expression on his face) (beat) HOLY SHIT!! (frantically searches for a blunt object)  
  
Johnny: (removes hand and lets it drop to his side) SHE'S your babysitter?! Oh, bleeding saints of the world UNITE... THAT'S some fuckin' stupid irony! (dodges a stuffed bear Devi throws at his head)  
  
Todd: WAIT! (jumps up and stops Devi from attacking Johnny with a pogo stick) He's my friend! You can't hurt him!  
  
Devi: LIKE HELL I CAN'T!!  
  
Johnny: EEEE!! (cringes and hides face with arms)  
  
Todd: But you'll kill my dreeeeeams! (starts crying with big doe eyes)  
  
Devi & Johnny: Eh?  
  
Todd: (clasps hands together, and looks up to the heavens dreamily. A single blue light is shone on him) I've always dreamed about you, Devi- my babysitter I just met today- and you, Johnny- the insane neighborman who is responsible for my bladder problems- to one day become man and wife, and adopt me, taking me away from this horrid house! We would all live as a family unit in MaryLand, with a little house, and a doggie... AND LOTS 'O CHICKENS!!  
  
(chickens fly down from the blue light and scatter around the stage. Devi and Johnny both 'oooohh...' And cast loving looks at each other- chickens tend to do that to people)  
  
Todd: And you're trying to kill him, Mommy! (pauses and looks at Devi who's lower lip is trembling) I mean... Devi.  
  
Devi: CALL ME MOM, HONEY!! (snatches him up, and hugs him tightly. They both weep cheesily)  
  
Johnny: That's... So... BEAU-TI-FUL!! (wraps arms around Devi & todd and joins to off-balance hormone sobbing festival) Devi! Let's go to Vegas and get married tonight!  
  
Devi: Okay! I'll forget the fact that you tried to kill me, and we'll move to MaryLand and get that house and dog, Todd!  
  
Todd: YAY!  
  
(they all hug, chickens picking at the carpet, the stagelights slowly fading, leaving the three bathed in the single blue light)  
  
"... Aaaand... That's a wrap!" Cristin announced happily, Alex stopping the feed. "Thank you God, you truely are merciful, and some crap."  
  
The onstage actors glare at their director and make tracks for the nearest exit, but are stopped by loud applause and hooting from the peanut gallery (AKA- tour group) lined up against the back stage wall. They all grin cheesily, and approach the crowd, egos again growing- smothering all remaining self-esteem defeciant crew members.  
  
"Mr. Micheal! Please answer some questions!" The tour guide blurted, the group said in unison; "Yes! Questions and answers!"  
  
"I suppose we can do that." Micheal said, flashing a glittery, toothy grin at the ladies who swooned and squealed. Hailey and Stephanie both nodded, smiling as well. You'd never guess that they were gigantic assholes in real life.  
  
One of the female fans waved her hand in the air frantically. "I have oneeeee! Why did you choose to work with such an obviously unprofessional fanfiction author?"  
  
Micheal grinned broadly at Cristin who was soundlessly mouthing curses. "To be frank, I felt sorry for the poor girl. I mean, she cast herself as a hyperactive fangirl by the alias of 'Cafe Girl'- HOW PATHETIC IS THAT?! Being a character in your own movie! HA!"  
  
"Only Kevin Smith can pull that off, and he only has one line in his movies." Stephanie added, lighting a clove cigarette and taking a long drag, her belly expanding a bit.  
  
"COOL!!" The girl squealed, and pulled a black pen out of her pants pocket. "Can you sign my forehead, Micheal?! I love you!!"  
  
Laughing mightly, Micheal nodded and snatched the pen up. He started scribbling on her forehead as she grinned like an insane maniac. "And who do I make this out to?"  
  
"Maniacal Dragon, it's my nickname!" the girl practically screamed, and fainted as Micheal completed his signature.  
  
"Any other questions?" Haley said cutely, hugging Shmee close and giving a small smile.  
  
"Yeah, and it's for Cristin." she smiled warmly at the director who shot her a frightened 'deer in the headlights' look. "Hi, I'm Kat. Uhm, I was wondering if Jhonen had any involvment with this production? They're his characters, and I figured you'd have to ask permis-"  
  
With the fluid grace of a jungle cat, the paranoid girl lunged at Kat and clamped both hands over her mouth. She then hissed quietly, "Are you MAD?! You must never speak the name of Vasquez on a fanfiction set! It angers them... the elder gods..." she looked up to the dusty ceiling, trembling. "Of course he didn't help me... this is a land without gods, kings, rulers; it is the land of insane fanatics. Why the hell else would I be here?!" she released Kat, who pushed herself against the wall, and shivered herself. "Yeah. That's what I said." Cristin responded, and walked back to her chair, twitching. Right as she sat down, the small silver cellphone in her backpocket rang. After screaming bloody murder, she took the call. "H-hello?" she said shakily, and listened to the voice on the other end, eyes wide in fear. "Of COURSE I have a disclaimer, officer! HA- HA. Oh no, it's no problem. We appreciate your concern. Buh-bye." she slammed the phone shut, and pulled Amy to her side. "Get a fucking disclaimer on those credits, quick before they send the mafia out here again." Amy nodded, and sprinted out of the studio.  
  
The tour group and crew all looked at Cristin nervously. She finally snapped and bellowed, "GET OUT OF HERE, YOU TWITS!!"  
  
Quicker than a ray of light, the cast and tour group zoomed out of the studio, leaving the 3 girls and one chicken loving guy alone in the dank studio. Alex walked up to Cristin and patted her head as she seethed. "You did good, old girl. That'll do, Crissy. That'll do."  
  
"At least it wasn't slash..." Cristin glowered.  
  
"At least." alex responded, chuckling.  
  
Finally, a quick yelp came from the makeup table, and Bree dragged Ent out from the spooky shadows, a chicken wing lodged in her hair. "This salmon-hat here was trying to take my chickens." Bree commented, and dragged Ent outside, leaving Alex and Cristin alone.  
  
"Alex?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Is the story done now?"  
  
"Yup. We can go home now, Lassie."  
  
"Thank God." Cristin paused. "Maybe we should let Mr. Vasquez out of the storage closet now."  
  
"Nah, let's post this thing before we do THAT." Alex commented. "Then we can sell his feces on E-Bay!"  
  
As the two walked out of the studio, Cristin bopped Alex over the head with her clipboard. "You're disgusting." They flipped off all the lights, and left the studio in complete darkness, a quiet, calm hush fell over the once crazy little fanfiction set. But one lonely voice, slightly echoed behind the closet door, whimpered and howled; "Hellooooo?? Is anybody out there?? I'd like to go home now. Helloooo-oo?!! Why did I have to get the insane fans..."  
  
THE END  
  
*cracks open a bottle of champagne* WOO-HOO!! IT'S FINISHED!! Now I can DIE!! YAAAAY!! Oh, here's the refferences from the last chapter, if you care:  
  
1) That's right, BILL WATTERSON. (no, he's not a midget. ^^)  
  
2) Tatsuya Ishisda is the genius behind the comic 'SinFest'.  
  
3) I made a Monty Python quotation. I believe it was "Help! I'm being repressed!"  
  
4) Road Kill Graphics = Slave Labor Graphics. Get it? Eh? Eh? Pff...  
  
5) The whole 'helloooo' thing with poor jhonen at the end is just for my buddy Kelly. He says that all the time, and it drives me nuts. besides; this wasn't a REAL mockery without the presence of Mr. V at the end. It's classic, damn you!  
  
And that's it. It's true. I hate this story. I hate it alot. But it's just some sort of spooky venting mechanism, weird and confusing as that sounds. And, at that, I am off! I HOPE THIS STORY BURNS IN HELL!! - BunnyGrrl  
  
(i'd like to apologize to Jhonen Vasquez for this piece of shit. and for locking him in that closet for so long. Sorry!! ^^;;) 


End file.
